Your Perfect Partner
A woman we'll call "Jane" thought she was a great "catch"
and a "perfect partner" but she wondered why her
relationships always seemed to fail.
Here's what she wrote to us--
"I dated men of various ages and cultures but all my
relationships ended up in disaster. I constantly searched,
hoping for love to come my way. Then I started reading
your newsletters. I carried a lot of personal baggage from
my past and set unrealistic standards and expectations for
lovers hoping they would fail because I was afraid to fail.
I was afraid they would hurt me and disappoint me, so I
made sure I would be in control when they did."
In this situation, Jane has an incredible opportunity in
front of her. She can continue as she has been, being
fearful and attracting people who will disappoint her or
she can learn from what she has discovered about her
from the past.
It's been our experience that we attract the people into our
lives who show us what we need to heal within ourselves, new
possibilities for the future, and the contrast of what we
want and don't want in our lives.
We take the rather contrarian view that there are no
relationship mistakes or failures and only opportunities to
heal, learn, grow and experience joy.
Even though "Jane" thought her relationships were failures,
each one was actually another chance to become more
emotionally aware of what was going on inside her, what
she wanted for her life and to give her an opportunity to
heal and create new ways to do it differently.
What we have found is that we keep attracting the same
type of person, not just intimate partners, and experiences
into our lives until we heal the past and "do it
Otto's car is a black Buick Century with leather seats.
He's very hot natured and since we live in Ohio where the
summers are very hot and humid, he suffers in his "hot"
car. He loved the way the car looked on the showroom
floor, but his day-to-day experience has given him a powerful
lesson of what he doesn't want in a car. As you can imagine, he's
made a clear intention through the power of contrast that
his next car will not be black or have leather seats.
He had an opportunity to learn this lesson when he was 18
years old and drove a black Ford Pinto station wagon with no
air-conditioning to Tampa, Florida at the beginning of
August. He swore then as he sat in traffic with sweat
onto the steering wheel that he'd never have another black
Obviously, he hadn't learned this lesson so he needed to
bring another black car into his experience.
The point is that Otto has finally learned from this
valuable experience and will do it differently the next
time, although he really likes a lot about his current car.
This story is an example of coming to an awareness of what
you want and what you don't want and of learning from past
experiences that are not "failures" but are opportunities
for expansion and growth.
Please don't misunderstand us and think that we are
recommending that because you don't like something about
your current partner or job that you "throw them away" and
get another "model."
What we are recommending is that you take the opportunity
to become emotionally aware, like "Jane" did, as much of the
time as possible. Decide that you deserve to have a great
relationship and a great life, whatever that means to you.
We are inviting you to learn from the past and the power of
contrast so that you can begin creating the life you want.
Here are some ideas to help you...
1. Whenever something is important to you, don't stuff it
down and pretend it doesn't matter. Have the courage to
share it with your partner.
2. Accept responsibility for your part in past
relationships that haven't worked out the way you wanted
to work out. Look for reoccurring patterns that will show
where you need to heal.
3. Know that there's no such thing as failure in
relationships, only experiences that you may not have
4. Embrace the idea that no matter what has happened in
your relationships up until now, the future can be
So in a sense, each person who comes into our lives is
"the perfect partner" for us if we use these experiences
that we have with them to heal, learn and grow.
Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Creating Relationship Trust". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for their free online relationship tips newsletter visit